if life is a game of chess, then i am most definitley a pawn...and no matter how hard i try to become a queen, i can never do that...not until i move way across the board, beating all impossible odds, capping the opposing queen on the way there, and ask to be made a queen, then that i will never become nomatter how great my desire, and nomatter how many pieces are there protecting me along the way...no, i have to have the willl to do it and to make it on my own...first and foremost though, i must have the desire to actually become a queen...is this something i really want to do?? or is this the mastermining of a person thus my superior...i know there are people out there trying to define who i am and who i am to become...and i have decided not to let them...i have masked my identity for so long trying to be something i am just not that it is causing inner turmoil that thus causes external conflict, and, as someone whose life i am not longer a part of once put it, causes drama...and i am somewhat tired of it...ive spent so much time in this mask that it has grown to be a part of me...a second skin...the way people identify me...and sadly, its not...that isnt who i am...but again, its been so long since i was truely who i wanted to be, that i dont even know who i am anymore...with this new job i have acquired, i have come to find some of my stronger points that i used to consider a weakness...or that someone has once told me was a weakness...i just hope that sometime in the near future, i will be able to express my ideas and put them to use...this job has given me that opportunity, and i am trying my hardest to make the best of it...as for getting into the tams program, i dont doubt that i could do it if i had honestly wanted to...but the question there remains, is that what i really want...for myself...without doing it to try to please another person in this world...just for myself...i havent yet found the answer to this question, or to the one that prompts the self inquiry of my desire to join the networking class...its not so much anymore do i want to have to deal with the people next year that will be my superiors...yes, that is an issue...i do not consider them my superiors this year, because i am friends with the people that are superior to them, therefore they do not have authority or control over me...next year, they will...the top class in this program will then be filled with people who have the desire to harrass me for entertainment, and the people who are in charge now will no longer be there...and i will be forced in the position of dealing with whatever they wish to throw at me...which, while not a complicated matter, is one that i do not wish to deal with...i will have enough stress next year while preparing for early graduation...i will not have the time or emotional stabiliity to deal with that as well...but the real question is, is do i want to do this?? is that the direction that i want to go in?? over the past few days i have thought greatly about this...i love what im doing now for my job...marketing...i love coming up with ways to promote and manage a business, and i love having people listening to what i have to say, and then taking my advice...like my boss right now...not so much the listening at this point, but he is giving me the opportunity to have an original advertisment of mine put in the paper to promote our company...in my eyes, thats such an awesome opportunity for me, being sixteen, to get to be director at marketing...even in a small business...and idk...ive been thinking that that may be the field i wish to go into...but the courses ive planned have all been geared towards a position in the technology industry...yes, im still interested in it, but i dont think i would like to do it for a living...and ive been trying to push myself towards that goal to please someone who i cared very much for...still do, but from what im seeing, that part of my life is over...and now idk...the road is open...no, i dont really have the desire to move on with my life and leave this person out of it...but i now have no control over that...and now ive decided to take some time off and find out who i am and who i want to be...i really thought i had known, but im not sure i was doing it for the right reasons...im still going to graduate early, and im still going to unt...but idk...i think my major may have changed from computer science and technology directed courses, to business and marketing ones...id kind of like to do both, because compsci is extremely interesting and i loved doing it last year and was rly good at it...i would totally do that for a living...but i dont know if thats where i want to go with my life...and hey, now im open to decide...yes,, im still a pawn...i can only move in small steps, and i need protection from outside sources...but if i have the desire to become a queen and have the drive to accomplish my journey across the board, then i could be the most powerful piece in the world...